Friday, August 18, 2017

Against the Crowd Blogathon 2017: My Entry

You might already know this, but I love horror flicks. One of my favorite sub-genres is vampire movies. I've seen tons of them over the years. I may not be an expert on the matter, but I think I've seen enough to know a good one from a bad one. Honestly, I thought you had to. I had faith in you. Because of you, I was all pumped up when I sat down to watch this first movie...

I HATE, HATE,



Only Lovers Left Alive
(2013)


You begged me to watch this. I didn't even know this movie existed until the blogosphere exploded with glowing reviews of the latest Jim Jarmusch film. That should've been my clue, but I like Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai so I was game. I put it on and people I didn't like drone on for two hours about literature and art while complaining how the world has gone to shit. If you haven't seen it, it's even more pretentious than it sounds. Back in my youth, mustard company Grey Poupon tried to set themselves up as a sophisticated brand. They did so by making a commercial where some snooty rich folks would pulled up next to each other in their Rolls Royces and one says to the other "Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon?" The answer would be "But, of course." That person would pass the other the jar and that was that. For most of this movie, it was like watching these two assholes have endless, and endlessly boring, conversations.

Exactly how I felt watching this.
Whenever people other than our main characters got involved and tried to actually, um, do anything at all, it became like later variations of the commercial where the stuffy rich folks would act all indignant because some yahoo calls it jelly, or something. The difference, however, is that we're supposed to be on the side of the uppity folks in Only Lovers Left Alive so there's no humor. Nothing funny happens in this film. Nothing fun happens, either. To be honest, nothing happens at all. It's a plotless stretch of intellectual mumbo-jumbo that thinks it's far more insightful than it actually is. Yes, I got almost all of the references so it wasn't just flying over my head. It was just painfully boring to watch. I know, not every movie has to be a whiz-bang affair. I know that not every vampire flick has to feature the creatures running roughshod over the human population who brandishes crucifixes and wooden stakes to arm themselves. I even know that the vampire is an excellent vehicle for social commentary with their plight capably standing in for any number of our ills. I just ask that the movie be interesting. At this, Jarmusch failed miserably. I've had more fun counting ceiling tiles. Hell, I've had more fun just noticing that a room even has ceiling tiles. (My full review)


I LOVE, LOVE...


Underworld
(2003)


This is one of the movies where it boils down to the side of the aisle on which you choose to stand. If you're, you know, a human being, chances are you side with the audience on this one. After all, 79% of them actually liked it. But this post, this whole blogathon, is about telling critics to shove it. Yes, I know, I usually side with those snobbish purveyors of the quality of our entertainment, but not this time. This time, and I say this at the risk of sounding like one of you high-falutin' types who likes Only Lovers Left Alive, they just didn't get it. It's The Matrix mixed with Romeo & Juliet and drowned in vampires vs. werewolves sauce. What's not to love? Nothing, I tell ya! This is a magical ride. Do critics understand that occasionally, it's okay for a movie just to look cool, act cool, and be...cool. I mean, take this quote from a negative review written by a very popular film critic:

The sort of movie in which the head vampire telegraphs his evil by using a cell phone and dressing like the Kinks' Ray Davies in the early '80s. - Owen Gleiberman, Entertainment Weekly

Yeah, aaaaannndd, I'm not seeing the problem here.

Let's try another one:

Underworld is afloat in a sea of silly accents, candelabrums, and too much eyeliner...This is terrible, terrible stuff. - David Cornelius, eFilmCritic.com

Not sure what's so terrible about silly accents, candelabrums, and eyeliner. I admit there's a limit to how much eyeliner should be in a movie, but I'm willing to look the other way on this one. The other stuff (not really) my friend David thinks is so terrible...just fun, fun, I say!

Oh, why not one more:

[Beckinsale's] detached, no-nonsense demeanor helps give this chilly adventure an S&M-inspired eroticism. - Nick Schager, Lessons of Darkness

Okay, I get giddy just reading that. I mean, I'm not into whips and chains at all, good for you if you are. Since we're being honest, as she appears here, Kate Beckinsale is too skinny for my particular taste in women. But damn if she doesn't make all of that work in this movie. She's a dominatrix I can get with. You have no idea the amount of joy I would've experienced had she strolled into a frame of Fifty Shades of Grey and popped a silver nitrate cap in Dorian's ass. That's getting off-topic, though. Point is, Underworld is one of my all-time favorite vampire flicks and I know better than 69% of critics.

Hmmm, where's Dorian?

Well peeps, this was supposed to be a wrap-up of yesterday's activities in the blogathon, but uh...there was none. That's cool because there was plenty of it on the previous days...



Click all the links and check out all the wonderful bloggers who have contributed. And definitely check out my co-host's blog KG's Movie Rants.

If you would like to join this year's festivities, we're running right through the weekend. Click here to find out how to join.

18 comments:

  1. I tried watching Only Lovers Left Alive and nothing happens! It looks good visually but so so boring.

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  2. I've tried with Underworld several times Dell and its just not for me. I foolishly went by the cast list the first time without reading the description and lets say I was more than a bit surprised. I mean Kate Beckinsale, Michael Sheen, Bill Nighy & the title Underworld I thought English crime drama with plummy accents and sharp clothes....er, no. So I stopped watching and went back to it another time with foreknowledge and still only made it about a half hour in. Let I said just not for me.

    Thanks for the warning on Only Lovers. I had heard the title but hadn't really looked into it much further now that I know I'm thinking it would be the same deal as Underworld or perhaps worse!

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    1. Definitely not an English crime drama, lol. As for Only Lovers, well, at least Underworld has action. Only Lovers has lamenting.

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  3. I think I began watching Underworld several years ago but couldn't finish because the copy I had was bad or I had to go save Gotham or something. I'm a huge fan of Beckinsale, she always manages to make mediocre watchable. Only Lovers Left Alive sounds horrible. I'm really not a fan of Tilda Swinton hey, it feels like she's the ghost of a more lively actress from 1886.

    This is usually the part where I'd say thanks for joining in the fun of the blogathon but seeing as this is your brainchild, I'll say thanks for giving us a place to vent.

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    1. I'm curious to see what you thought of Underworld if you ever go back to it. Very funny line about Tilda Swinton, lmao!

      My pleasure.

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  4. I never would've guessed Underworld had that low of a RT score. I liked it too, and I'm with you on Only Lovers Left Alive. I wanted to like that movie so much for the cast and it was so dull. I can't even remember the plot, just that Mia Waskowska's character was annoying and I'm pretty sure they killed Anton Yelchin's character. Oh and Hiddleston was emo.

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    1. I also wanted to like OLLA because that cast is amazing. Unfortunately, dull is a major understatement. The reason you can't remember the plot is because there wasn't one.

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  5. I don't mind Underworld...it's better than I thought it would be. I haven't seen the first movie and not sure I want to. Some movies people and critics raved about left me cold and wondering how people could like some of this dreck:)

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    1. OLLA left me very cold. That's a great description of my feelings after watching.

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  6. I don't dislike Underworld. In fact, I thought it was alright. The sequels though weren't very good. I prefer Only Lovers Left Alive as it just played into fallacy of immortality and I knew what to expect since it's from Jim Jarmusch who never makes a conventional film.

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    1. I tried with OLLA since I'm a little familiar with Jarmusch. This just bored me to tears.

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    2. If you think that's boring. I dare you to watch Dead Man, The Limit of Control, Permanent Vacation, and Down by Law. Believe me, if you can't get into them. I'd suggest you stay away from Jarmusch. I can take slow-core films as I don't mind it if it serves a purpose though there are films that are slow that don't work at all.

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    3. I'm gonna have to work up to watching one of those.

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  7. Never been interested in seeing Only Lovers Left Alive despite the crtical pludits. Your comments mearly add weight to what I expected the film to be.

    Underworld...meh it was ok.

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  8. I'm actually surprised I liked Only Lovers Left Alive as much as I did. I thought it had great atmosphere and i just adored the music. I did enjoy Underworld, it also has Michael Sheen which is always a great thing.

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    1. I'm always surprised anyone likes OLLA. Yes, Michael Sheen is always a great thing.

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